i just asked spouse if he wanted to see something really stupid & hit play, now we can't stop laughing
wear a different perfume when you commit murder fuckin amateurs
also wear shoes that aren’t your actual size and use gloves if you have to touch anything
what the hell is this here? A how-to-commit-the-perfect-crime??
Wear a wig.
Contact lenses .
Change your accent .
Change Hand when writing .
Layer up to make you look big if your small n vice versa .
Contour the hell outta your face.
Get your car interior thoroughly washed, then purposely dirty it up again.
Also use an icicle for the weapon because it melts away
Buy a ticket to a show and tell as many people / post it on social media that u went to the show
Y'all suspect af😂
*adds 363,462 more people to list of that I will fuck never with*
Make sure you set up a solid alibi
Pay for everything in cash
Or, for those of you who’ve read Roald Dahl’s Lamb to the Slaughter, feed the murder weapon to the police
Bodies should be buried vertically, not horizontally, to avoid the appearance of a grave. If you choose to dismember the body instead of bury it whole don’t forget to take a lighter or bottle of lye to the fingertips until charred or melted away, and use bleach on every surface that may have come in contact with blood splatter.
Also, don’t fucking brag about it later Jesus wept.
all this info is good for writing
but for actual real life, no one on tumblr has enough energy to get out of bed
ain’t no body on this website is gonna murder anyone
Make friends with a pig farmer. A full grown nursing sow can eat an entire human body, bones and all, in about 6 hours.
Shit that last one is more helpful than I wanted it to be, I’ll never look at pigs the same
Reblogging for *educational* purposes :)
This post is legendary and I’m so glad I found it. I love all the advice. Except the icicle. That’s technically impossible. Use a disposable knife instead and break the handle.
use a glass knife with wooden handle for ultimate wounding. its gonna leave a severe fucking wound and u can burn the wood and melt down the glass if it doesnt shatter inside the victim.
Thomas what did i tell you about making suspiious posts?
I love learning.
IT’S ON MY DASH I REPEAT IT’S ON MY DASH.
ON MY DASH
WHAT THE FUCK IT’S ON MY DASH. ALSO JEVER TRUST ANYONE WITH MORE THEN 3 pigs
Always reblog
“Never trust anyone with more than 3 pigs” is the best thing I’ve ever read
on another note, I just remembered Roald Dahl wrote Lamb to the Slaughter (I read it in sophomore year)
Dummies.
Bury one (1) oyster in the yard for two weeks. Put it on the plate with a bunch of others, serve to victim.
There’s plenty of health risks when it comes to eating raw seafood- No one will bat an eye.
World Heritage Post
Six years later, my dumb ass realizes I never said you also have to pull at least some of the teeth to prevent a match to dental records.
@damnn-dorothea @hell-lit011019 @chammak-challo113 murder besties… Refreshment course.
“I am a writer,” he said as reblogged this post. Little did they know…
This reblogging chain shouldn’t stop… everyone should know HOW TO MURDER !! I repeat this reblogging chain shouldn’t STOP!!
1.1 MILLION NOTES JESUS CHRIST
Me writing villains: 100 pages of backstory, badass name, dope aesthetic, mysterious motives, every quote is a fckn mic drop
Me writing heroes: nice guy, tries hard
Me writing women: 1000 pages of backstory, badass name, dope aesthetic, mysterious motives, every quote is a mfing mic drop
Me writing men: nice guy, tries hard, gets easily flustered
Let me tell you about my new favourite cookbook
Hey tumblr. Are you trying to learn to cook for yourself? I sure am. My roommate just got me this book and I am totally blown away — it’s an entire cooking course in one book easy and accessible, taking you from following recipes to making up your own by teaching you the science behind it all. Do you love science? I love science. I especially love DIAGRAMS!
You can’t quite see it, but this tells you not just what parts to eat, but how to prepare it. I’m always in grocery stores staring at veg going “okay but what do I DO with it?” and this book actually answers that in clear, simple language and beautiful watercolours.
What’s the difference when recipes call for different types of frying? Hey, I guess I know now!
Illustrations instead of photos encourage you to play around instead of trying to get the exact same result.
Samin Nosrat, the author, is incredibly personable along with being a great writer and chef. The prose parts of the book are clearly worded and full of personality. It explains details of cooking that lots of other cookbooks leave out, meaning a intermediate cook like me can actually grasp skills like breaking down a whole chicken or getting the heart out of fresh artichokes.
The first half of the book is meant to be read straight through and explains the theory behind the elements of food in a casual writing style. Then it has 100 recipes that are meant to teach you all the basic skills and are a jumping-off point, because what she really wants you to do is EXPERIMENT! I can’t wait to eat a bunch of this stuff.
I don’t know about you, but I failed to learn cooking from my mom even though she’s a great cook. I regret it now and want to learn to be comfortable in the kitchen, because I love eating and I want to take back control of the food I eat. When I got this book, the first random page I flipped to had a matrix explaining what works well with avocado. I knew right away it was going to be my kind of book. (I ended up staying up late reading it.)
So if you’re also trying to learn to cook, to take back control of what you eat, want a really pretty illustrated cookbook, whatever — I can’t recommend this enough.
people with siblings love saying shit like "you never played first degree murder knife chase?"
- hey guys whats up
how’d you make a blank post?
- you make a bulleted list and press tab until the text either is all the way on the right or it disappears depending on the resolution of the computer it’s viewed on. also, it doesn’t work on mobile.
please tell me
This is the most hilarious thing to see on mobile.
Your impact on other people is bigger than you think. Someone still giggles when they think of that funny thing you said. Someone still smiles when they think of the compliment you gave them. Someone silently admires you. The advice you gave has made a difference for people. The support and love you've offered others has made someone's day. Your input and opinions have made someone think twice. You are not insignificant and forgotten. Your existence makes a positive difference, whether you see it or not.
rb to give the previous person a fucking break because life aint life-ing the way its supposed to life and it fucking sucks.
Writing Tip: Don’t Be Afraid of Mixing Dialogue and Action
So I’ve been reading a lot of amateur writing lately, and I’ve noticed what seems to be a common problem: dialogue.
Tell me if this looks familiar. You start writing a conversation, only to look down and realize it reads like:
“I’m talking now,” he said.
“Yes, I noticed,” she said.
“I have nothing much to add to this conversation,” the third person said.
And it grates on your ears. So much ‘said.’ It looks awful! It sounds repetitive. So, naturally, you try to shake it up a bit:
“Is this any better?” He inquired.
“I’m not sure,” she mused.
“I definitely think so!” that other guy roared.
This is not an improvement. This is worse.
Now your dialogue is just as disjointed as it was before, but you have the added problem of a bunch of distracting dialogue verbs that can have an unintentionally comedic effect.
So here’s how you avoid it: You mix up the dialogue with description.
“Isn’t this better?” he asked, leaning forward in his seat. “Don’t you feel like we’re more grounded in reality?”
She nodded, looking down at her freshly manicured nails. “I don’t feel like a talking head anymore.”
“Right!” that annoying third guy added. “And now you can get some characterization crammed into the dialogue!”
The rules of dialogue punctuation are as follows:
- Each speaker gets his/her own paragraph - when the speaker changes, you start a new paragraph.
- Within the speaker’s own paragraph, you can include action, interior thoughts, description, etc.
- You can interrupt dialogue in the middle to put in a “said” tag, and then write more dialogue from that same speaker.
- You can put the “said” tag at the beginning or end of the sentence.
- Once you’ve established which characters are talking, you don’t need a “said” tag every time they speak.
- ETA: use a comma instead of a period at the end of a sentence of dialogue, and keep the ‘said’ tag in lower caps. If you end on a ? or !, the ‘said’ tag is still in lower case. (thanks, commenters who pointed this out!)
Some more examples:
“If you’re writing an incomplete thought,” he said, “you put a comma, then the quote mark, then the dialogue tag.”
“If the sentence ends, you put in a period.” She pointed at the previous sentence. “See? Complete sentences.”
“You can also replace the dialogue tag with action.” Extra guy yawned. “When you do, you use a period instead of a comma.”
So what do you do with this newfound power? I’m glad you asked.
- You can provide description of the character and their surroundings in order to orient them in time and space while talking.
- You can reveal characterization through body language and other nonverbal cues that will add more dimension to your dialogue.
- You can add interior thoughts for your POV character between lines of dialogue - especially helpful when they’re not saying quite what they mean.
- You can control pacing. Lines of dialogue interrupted by descriptions convey a slower-paced conversation. Lines delivered with just a “said” tag, or with no dialogue tag at all, convey a more rapid-fire conversation.
For example:
“We’ve been talking about dialogue for a while,” he said, shifting in his seat as though uncomfortable with sitting still.
“We sure have,” she agreed. She rose from her chair, stretching. “Shall we go, then?”
“I think we should.”
“Great. Let’s get out of here.”
By controlling the pacing, you can establish mood and help guide your reader along to understanding what it is that you’re doing.
I hope this helps you write better dialogue! If you have questions, don’t hesitate to drop me an ask :)
If you like this type of content and would like to see more, please consider leaving a tip in my Tip Jar!
I love writing like this. I love grounding myself into the story. Can’t get enough of it.
I find that this is why the “said vs unique dialogue tags” debate is so useless! If you’re noticing an overuse of “said” or any other dialogue tag, it’s usually because the author isn’t properly integrating dialogue into the story, and not because “said is dead” or unique tags are all overrated. All have their place.